“When I’m talking to you, your left eye is spinning. That’s really neat!” — Gary Busey to Tom Bergeron.
Is it okay if Gary Busey just stays on “Dancing With the Stars” forever and ever? Even if he gets voted off, can producers make him a judge? One of the back-up dancers? A host? He and Tom Bergeron are clearly already best friends.
Anyway, the barely-lucid movie star was obviously the highlight of the 21st season premiere on Monday, which featured the first Len Goodman-less season. So judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Julianne Hough and Bruno Tonioli had to figure out how to actually offer harsh criticism while still remaining nice enough to not crush C-list celebrity dreams. Here’s our ranking for how this season could play out:
[The 20 types of celebrities that go on ‘Dancing With the Stars’]
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Bindi Irwin/Derek Hough (jive, judge score: 8, 8, 8 for a total of 24 points)
Age: 17
Best known as: The adorable daughter of the late Steve Irwin, and carrying on her dad’s legacy as an Australian animal conservationist.
Storyline: Bindi says she’s doing this to make her dad proud (he used to love to watch her dance around the zoo when she was little), which will no doubt be a heavily featured theme all season.
Performance: Should they just give her the Mirror Ball Trophy now? Her energy is infectious and the crowd adores her. “That was the best performance of the night!” Julianne declares. “You really are the wonder from down under,” Bruno marvels, noting she has loads of charm.
Nick Carter/Sharna Burgess (cha cha, judge’s score: 8, 8, 8 for a total of 24 points)
Age: 35
How you know him: As the dreamiest Backstreet Boy, obviously.
Storyline: Nick Carter has insecurities?! Sure enough, he tells Sharna that he’s always been insecure because he feels like he’s not the best dancer, and hid behind the rest of the Backstreet Boys. Now is his time to shine.
Performance: Nick kills it and makes Julianne blush in the process (she had posters of Nick on her walls as a teen, naturally.) Bruno predicts Nick will go far by making an inevitable “Backstreet’s back” joke. Carrie Ann brings everyone down to Earth by pointing out Nick’s nerves at the beginning, but acknowledges he did a great job by the end. He’s one to watch.
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Hayes Grier/Emma Slater (cha cha, judge score: 7, 7, 7 for a total of 21 points)
Age: 15
Best known as: A Vine star. That’s a thing, we swear.
Storyline: He’s a social media sensation beloved by tweens. Can he learn to dance to impress the ladies at prom and impress the grown-ups in the process?
Performance: If we’ve learned one thing from The Intersect’s Caitlin Dewey, it’s never count out a social media sensation. Hayes dances like a gawky teen, but the judges don’t care. “God, if I was only 30 years younger…I’d still be way too old for you,” Carrie Ann jokes, which immediately makes everyone uncomfortable. Julianne also loves him. “That just got me really, really excited!” she says, though chides Hayes to open his eyes and focus on his core. Bruno instantly names him the “boy wonder” of the season and says his musicality is natural, though he needs to be sharper.
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Alexa PenaVega/Mark Ballas (jive, judge score: 7, 7, 8 for a total of 22 points)
Age: 27
Best known as: The adorable child star in the “Spy Kids,” movies, Gunnar’s annoying girlfriend on ABC’s “Nashville.”
Storyline: Will she get too jealous when her husband Carlos gets “handsy” with Witney Carson during practice?! No, but the show wants you to think it will happen.
Performance: “You showed exactly how to do it!” roars Bruno, already a big fan. Carrie Ann says Alexa is beautiful and has a “sensuality” that will take her far. Julianne thinks they have an amazing presence together but they should work on feeling even more connected.
Alek Skarlatos/Lindsay Arnold (foxtrot, judge score: 8, 7, 7 for a total of 22 points)
Age: 22
Best known as: One of the three Americans (and a National Army Guard Specialist) who made headlines for heroics on a train from Amsterdam to Paris, when he and his two friends overpowered a man who opened fire.
Storyline: An American hero — really, enough said.
Performance: It’s surprisingly good for someone who claims to have never danced before, and the judges heap on the praise. Carrie Ann is rendered speechless, calling it one of the best performances of the night. Julianne adds the pressure by telling him he’s representing every single person in America. “You are born to ballroom!” Bruno tells him.
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Gary Busey/Anna Trebunskaya (cha cha, judge score: 5, 5, 5 for a total of 15 points)
Age: 71
Best known as: Noted weirdo from “Lethal Weapon,” “The Buddy Holly Story,” “Pointe Break,” etc.
Storyline: Can he stay connected to this planet long enough to master many complicated dances? Will it matter? We’re going to say no.
Performance: It was technically terrible, but who wants to vote this guy home after his comments to Bergeron? “I dance in a cosmos of riddles, and nothing means anything to me if I have to think about it, and with this young lady, Anna, from Russia with love, this is the one who sculpted me in what I am today dancing.” After Bergeron tries to control his laughter, Bruno compares the dance to a summer blockbuster: Chaos, mayhem, destruction…but “bring on the sequel!” Julianne says the cha cha wasn’t very good, but it sure was entertaining!
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Tamar Braxton/Val Chmerkovskiy (quickstep, judge score: 8, 7, 8 for a total of 23 points)
Occupation: Singer/reality star
Age: 38
Best known as: The sister of Toni Braxton on the WE tv reality show “Braxton Family Values”; star of her own spin-off “Tamar and Vince”; and a co-host on daytime talk show “The Real.”
Storyline: She and Val are the “squabbling brother and sister” duo who will no doubt grow to be the closest of friends. Also: Can she ever outshine the more famous members of her family?
Performance: The judges love it — Carrie Ann is pleasantly surprised, saying that she didn’t expect such a great dance the first week. Bruno agrees: “Long way to go, but a brilliant beginning,” he says.
Carlos PenaVega/Witney Carson (jive, judge score: 8, 8, 7 for a total of 23 points)
Age: 26
Best known as: A boy band member on Nickelodeon’s “Big Time Rush.”
Storyline: He’s married to Alexa PenaVega, so they’re the first married couple to compete together. This obviously sets up a good-natured rivalry, as well as the inevitable faux-jealousy issues, like when Carlos sees Mark Ballas give Alexa a kiss on the forehead after practice and call her “babe.”
Performance: It’s pretty good, which makes sense given that he was in a boy band. Julianne loves him, calling him the most natural performer of the night. Bruno has issues with his footwork, but Carrie Ann assures Carlos that his musicality is “off the charts.”
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Chaka Khan/Keo Motsepe (cha cha, judge score: 5, 4, 4 for a total of 13 points)
Age: 62
Best known as: The legendary “Queen of Funk” and music sensation behind “I’m Every Woman.”
Storyline: As one of the older contestants (traditionally the demographic that doesn’t get too far in the competition), how far can she go?
Performance: Ouch, two fours! But everybody still loves Chaka. She starts the dance by being lowered from the ceiling, and Julianne exclaims it was “a glorious entrance for a glorious woman!” Carrie Ann notes that Chaka was having fun, but so much fun that she clearly forgot the choreography. Bruno reluctantly offers some criticism (“It pains me…because I adore you”) and says that her footwork was terrible, even though her personality was superb.
Andy Grammer/Allison Holker (fox trot, judge score: 7, 7, 7 for a total of 21 points)
Age: 31
Best known as: Pop singer responsible for super-catchy singles like “Keep Your Head Up” and “Honey, I’m Good.”
Storyline: His mother recently passed away, and she was a huge fan of the show, so he’s dancing in her honor.
Performance: Bruno calls him dashing and confident: “Like a double threat out there,” though he says his footwork was slightly sloppy. “I guarantee that your mother was smiling down on you,” Carrie Ann tells him, and advises him to form a stronger connection with his partner. Julianne critiques his shoulders for being hunched, but thinks that he and Allison have plenty of chemistry.
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Paula Deen/Louis van Amstel (quickstep, judge score: 5, 5, 5 for a total of 15 points)
Age: 68
Best known as: The famous TV chef taken down after that racism scandal.
Storyline: Can Paula win over the hearts of viewers after her public relations nightmare? She’s certainly not holding back. “PUT YOUR HEAD ON MAMA’S BOSOM,” she tells Louis the moment they meet, hugging him to her chest.
Performance: Carrie Ann is not very impressed, saying that “it didn’t quite come together” and that it looked like Louis was simply dragging her around the floor. Julianne agrees that there was a little too much going on, while Bruno says Paula was attached to Louis like a barnacle the whole time.
Victor Espinoza/Karina Smirnoff (salsa, judge score: 5, 5, 5 for a total of 15 points)
Occupation: Jockey
Age: 43
Best known for: Winning the Triple Crown this year with American Pharaoh.
Storyline: He has no idea how to dance, and also has short-term memory loss as a result of all his years as a jockey, which is upsetting. Can he remember the moves?
Performance: Yikes. As Carrie Ann says, there was no salsa of any kind in his frenetic performance — but it sure was entertaining. “You are adorable,” she gushes of Espinoza, dressed in a sparkly riding helmet. Julianne and Bruno are equally underwhelmed, but compliment him on his moxie. (Oh no, is this what life without Len is really going to be like? This is terrible.) Later, he has to stand on a box next to Erin Andrews so that he’s tall enough to reach her microphone, which charms everyone.
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Kim Zolciak Biermann/Tony Dovolani (salsa, judge score: 4, 4, 4 for a total of 12 points)
Age: 38
Best known as: “Real Housewives of Atlanta” star with six kids and voice behind the incredible song “Tardy for the Party.”
Storyline: Kim has a serious case of nerves and starts to cry during practice. Can she tap into her reality show roots and pull it together? “It’s one thing to do reality television, it’s another thing to shake with another man,” she explains.
Performance: She’s toast. Kim indeed moves quite stiffly, looking very awkward on camera. “I felt like you held back,” Carrie Ann complains. Julianne agrees, saying that the dance was in “slow motion” even though she believes that Kim can be really fierce. Bruno blames Tony for not helping Kim deliver her best performance. “You went through it…but you have to PERFORM it!” Bruno yells. They all give her fours, but kindly encourage her to keep trying.
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